::fat 5th grader::
at the end of every summer, when i'm always moving, i go through mt 8.9 billion coats & jackets in an attempt to downsize my excessive wardrobe.
everytime i do this, i come across this jacket that baffles me. i refer to it as my fat 5th grader jacket. it's huge, and red, and the hood swallows my entire head - it actually sticks up higher than my actual head, so if you were walking behind me you'd just think some freakishly long necked, big headed girl was in front of you. i don't know why i ever bought it.
maybe i was cold.
anyone who puts this jacket on will be instantly transformed into a dork (a bigger one than they already are). a dork who can't see anything beside them when wearing the hood, a dork who has to turn their whole body instead of just their head to look in any one direction, a dork who can't keep her purse on her shoulder because the arms of her coat are fat and puffy, a dork who looks like a red michelin man if the michelin man were a girl, but you probably wouldn't be able to tell that anyway because this coat instantly makes you sexless.
everytime i come to this coat in the closet i think back to the previous winter, and how it made me look like that kid from a christmas story, and i decide to get rid of it because there's no way in hell i'll ever wear that thing again - 40 below wouldn't be cold enough.
then winter rolls around, and there is always one day worse than all the rest. one day that's so cold yr bones hurt, and you start to panic because you remember getting rid of yr fat 5th grader jacket in august.
and then you find it, shoved in the back of the closet amidst all the good lookin jackets that couldn't even keep a bear warm, and for one day of the bitter, bitter chicago winter you don't freeze yr sweet ass off.
but you don't take a picture of yrself in it either. ;P
