::(i can't get no) satisfaction::
i'm so exhausted.
work is finally becoming work.
we've been busting our asses trying to get all the spring '06 sketches out, and it's nothing short of choatic. there are 8.9 billion things happening all at once, and because things have been moving so fast, no one has had any time to actually teach me anything. luckily, i catch on real quick, and i've kind of just eased into it. they're always going on & on about how i seem to just "know" how to do it all - they haven't needed to show me anything. well, you know, sometimes i don't "know".
and it drives me fucking crazy.
i'm the kind of person who does something, does it right, and is finished with it. here, nothing is ever finished. it's all scattered, and i do not deal well with that. plus, there are a million other things that we have to add to each sketch, and i HAVE NO IDEA what they usually do.
i also had a slight breakdown sometime last week. i started to freak out because although i love my job, and am so so so thankful to have it, this isn't where i want to be for the rest of my life. i feel stifled. i mean, that's obviously what happens when you go to work for someone else. you're given a certain amount of freedom, but you can't go very far beyond that. it's hard. i started to panic because i thought this job was going to suck all the creativity out of me, and i wasn't going to do my own stuff anymore. i'm supposed to be building my portfolio right now - i need to be making things. i really believe that artists of any kind have something in them that they just can't express in normal forms, and when they are held back creatively, they really start to lose their shit. luckily, i chilled myself out, and have allotted certain times for me to focus on my own collection. and my italian.
on top of the three lines i'm working on with the design department, another line i'm helping our part time designer with, and all of the fabric HELL, my boss has given me another line because he loves my artwork. i have become the resident "fine artist" - which translates to - if anything needs to be drawn or created, give it to sarah.
this makes for one drained girl.
on my way home tonight i started thinking about how nice it would be to have some job where i punch numbers into a computer all day. mindless information, just plugging away, not having to use my brain or be creative. cause let me tell you, whipping out 100 brand spankin' new designs in a week (and then having to add alternates to half of them) is not fun.
i told matt we should just open a convenience store, and sell cokes to people all day. it'd be fun for about a week, and then, we'd probably kill ourselves.
i am convinced that no matter what i do, it's never going to be enough for me.
