goddamn.
seriously, folks, it's like you have this god awful dry spell where you start to wonder if you're going to forget how to fuck, and then, BAM! all at once, they're everywhere. calling, showing up, finding you in various places on the internet (i'm deleting myself from myspace & friendster, i swear), (or in the case of particularly adorable crushes at quizno's...) working. it's maddening, really.
i ran into a boy i used to ______ years and years ago. this is a boy who even the mere mention of makes me shiver. he always did something horrible to me. he had some weird power over me, and i know that sounds ridiculous - i'd think so too if i didn't know it to be absolutely true. it's probably that he was never very nice.
i've said many times before that boys i like always fall into one of two categories for me. there's the one where i'll adore a boy, think he is an amazing, incredible, talented human being. i'll build him up so much in my own mind that he becomes untouchable, and i could never, in a million years, imagine having sex with him because he's too important. too good.
(i am also aware that this whole system i have worked out is based on some seriously fucked "logic" - i know. i'm sure there's a lifetime of "issues" just waiting to be "worked out". let's get over it real quick.)
then there's the other category. the boys who i just have some sick, primal attraction for, who i just want for feelingless fucking (of course, i could never actually act on this because i'm WAY too afraid of all the shit that would come with it).
there was only one boy in my past who fell into both categories in one way or another. now i think there might be two (it's early).
but this one who just reappeared... he's definitely of the latter category.
he was never sweet, i never thought about what he did creatively, or really even thought of myself "with" him. he was mean, rough, and in a word, evil.
and he excited me like no one ever has.
apparently he still does.
*it should also be noted that i am no bitch, and because of the boy who i am incredibly smitten with, i will do nothing about this situation.*